Pastor DR. Kanyari, Self proclaimed god, Jehovah Wanyonyi, Pastor James Maina Ng'ang'a, the list is endless are just some of the scandalous and controversial 'men of God.'
Many have been quite about the issues but Njoki Chege decided to let it all out. and f you think you will stop her now, then forget it.
This young and energetic damsel is going to expose each and every evil act in the society, Just wait and see.
Here is what she has for you:
They are on television, glossy
magazine covers, blogs and newspapers. So I thought I should give them a
starter pack for being the ultimate female Nairobi pastor. Can I get an Amen!
1. LOOK EXPENSIVE
With thousands of young, clueless
congregants who plant a seed at your whim, you are bound to have tons of money.
Dress expensively. Have as many expensive, shiny kitenges as you can amass and
complement those dresses with sky-high heels you can barely walk in. It doesn’t matter if you are naturally
not classy, the whole idea is to look expensive and well fed (as you call “fat”). While at it, ensure you
pile on a cake of make-up. Don’t
forget your fake lashes and devilishly long, red, fake nails. To complete your
look, throw on an expensive Brazilian weave. Ensure the weave is colourful. The
Lord loves a colourful weaver! Even better if your weave resembles the South African
flag. Remember, a polished look is attractive to those naïve female followers
who admire your lifestyle. An expensive look is great for the prosperity gospel
that you are hawking. You want the young women in your congregation to think
they can be you someday. Who better to teach them than the Reverend, the Queen
Bee herself?
2. DEVELOP A CONVINCING FAKE
ACCENT
It doesn’t matter if you were raised in
Ndumberi or Wanyee. Or if you landed in Nairobi 20 years ago, an unschooled,
pregnant village girl. It doesn’t
even matter that you never studied theology at a reputable college. Girl, you’ve got to roll that tongue.
You know worr am sayin’?
Have some swag in your speech. Twang to your word as you teach the Word,
sister!
3. BE EXTRAVAGANT
You have 99 problems but money
isn’t one of them. We do not serve
a poor God, so why should
a woman of God, a servant of the
Most High, live like a pauper? Flaunt your wealth on Instagram. Let your haters
hate on Twitter, sorry, twirra. Be the poster child for the prosperity gospel
you are marketing. Go golfing on Mondays. I mean, who works on Mondays? Holiday
in exotic places. Take lots of photos. Upload them on social media. Drive those
guzzlers you purchased with
those poor people’s offerings. A woman of God must
live like a queen. Isn’t
Christ the King, after all? Your children too must not be left behind. Teach them
to be spendthrifts. The Lord blesses us and our children’s children. Remember the story
of Abraham? Buy your daughters sleek cars and take them to affluent schools
abroad. The congregation is paying for it.
4. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING
Show off your bishop husband. Act
like the perfect couple. You are too good to have marital problems. Tell the
whole world what a lucky woman you are. Pose on every magazine cover,
holding each other like lovesick
teenagers. Post pictures of the two of you on social media in yourbiker gear,
leaning against your Harley-Davidson motorbikes. Ensure you mention your
husband and how much the two of you are inseparable, in every media interview. But
don’t forget to be very protective
of your husband; you can never trust those sisters in church. They are the
agents of the devil; little Jezebelic demons in high, noisy heels. Make sure
your office is right outside his
office in your church building. You want to inspect every woman who comes into
the Bishop’s office. The devil is not an
ugly creature with a tail and horns; the devil is a pretty little liar that
feigns marital problems to have Bishop lay hands on her. Ensure these pretty
liars pass by your office first. You are the perfect wife. You will solve their
cheating-husband problems. The only pretty girl the Bishop will see is you. You
are the fairest of them all!
5. BRAINWASH THE SISTERS
Your congregation is vulnerable,
but the female members are more vulnerable. Their weakness is your strength.
Doesn’t the Bible say in 2nd
Corinthians 12:9: “My
strength is made perfect in
weakness?” Gather the “daughters” once every month and
brainwash their silly little brains.
Transform their lives by the
renewal and removal of their brains sister! Capitalise on their marital problems
and their endless search for husbands. Indoctrinate those naïve childless,
husbandless women with the false promise of prosperity. Feed them with
half-truths, deceptive arguments and logical fallacies about the kind of men
they should marry. Use the Bible to make superficially sound arguments that
have immense power to brainwash. You must tell them not to date those losers
who live in Eastlands and Roysambu. Of course, don’t forget to tell these defenceless, desperate women
to plant a seed to get a husband. Make them call you “mum” to give them a false sense of
security. To make you popular, start a television show and invite ne’er-do-wells to discuss their “success stories”. Talk half the time
throughout your show and make it all about you. You are the gospel diva. Before
the show is over, sing one of your songs. It ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
6. KNOW YOUR TARGET MARKET
Your church is your business.
Mastery of your target market is the key to a breakthrough. To maximise on your
capital gains, be very clear about your market and ensure the whole world
knows about it. Poor people from
Eastlands are not welcome to your church. Make that crystal clear. Who needs poor
people? And why are these people so poor? Why isn’t everyone successful like you? Why can’t everyone live in a palatial
estate like you? Why isn’t
everyone smart like you? Poor people are such a nag; they should stay within a
77 mile radius from your church. Poor people are a bad omen. They are devil’s agents. They cannot tithe.
All they need is prayers to raise rent. Ensure your church is located at a nice
address where the poor people would have to go through a forest to find a road
to get to it. Only Jesus loves poor people, and you are not Jesus. You are a
businesswoman. The exotic holiday won’t pay itself. Of course, there are other tips, like
pride, self- importance and condemning columnists (like this one) to eternal
torment and annihilation. Sisters, my prayer for you this Saturday is that may
the Lord bless you and keep you, shine His face upon you, but may He especially
extend your boundaries and fill your little purses with his wealth and
richness. Amen?
Njoki Chege
Share this
Related Posts
A postmortem report reveals the cause of death of Nairobi University lecturer's son
On Thursday evening a postmortem report revealed that Emmanuel Inyama died due to stomach ulcers. The pathologist P
As KCPE exams are ongoing some candidates are doing the exams in hospitals
Yesterday was the onset of KCPE exams country wide. Pupils were expected to start their math paper in the morning. 
How Georgina met Khaligrah JonesKhaligraph's baby mama revealed how the two met in 2017. She posted to social media a cozy photo of herself and K
Who is "parte after parte" hit-maker?
The song "parte after parte" is the most popular song now in Kenya. It has circulated in the social media and seems
1 comments:
Write commentsTo all you who attack preachers for spending what they get, open your own churches and spend the tithes and offerings you will get as you think it should be spent.
ReplyAlternatively, get a financial adviser to give you instructions on how to spend your salary.
Remember the case of the speck and the log in the eye?
Yeah. That was meant for you!
EmoticonEmoticon